it almost kills me

 Hello everyone I'm going to share a story with you that really hurts. 

I had a crush on this particular boy in the year 2020. He is tall, kind, and charming. He's in a separate class—the science stream—so I don't often speak to him. I don't know how I was so brave to start talking to him. What a surprise, he isn't ignoring me. We were laid back, and talking to him was enjoyable.

As we grew closer, we began to discuss some emotional subjects. I definitely feel something for him, but I'm not sure if I should pursue it considering I was just 17 at the time. We discussed how he really feels about me, so it was a lot of fun. 

We made the decision to stick together. Being with someone you've always loved was wonderful. When I had an extra class, he is the one that waits for me every evening. He is the one who constantly reminds me to eat and ensures that I don't skip meals due of my stomach issues. As well as loving me even when I despise myself, he is the one.

The fact that we did everything together back then was a great way for us to create memories before high school ended. We made the decision to take a different course after finishing our SPM. Since we used to spend our time doing activities together, it was initially difficult. In order to ensure that we were aware of one another's actions, we tried a variety of activities. We communicated, went on dates, spoilt and surprised each other. It is difficult to always find time when you are miles apart from each other.

We made the decision to break up after two years. I was devastated and enraged. I do love him, but it doesn't mean I can make him continue to love me once he loses the will to do so. I spent months experiencing my denial periods before thinking of something. It helps me realise that I'm not to blame. I'm learning from it, so I won't love anyone more than myself going forward. I should prioritise myself; I should never have any doubts about doing so. I do get hurt, and I think he is too. But our only choice is to let go. We didn't have a pleasant ending since I was terrified to talk to and see him, but at least I know he has someone who can support him.

I wish you were able to read this to know that I have no regrets about spending all this time with you. You make me incredibly happy. Because I once had such a strong affection for you, I don't despise you. however, I'm happy that you're content right now. 

goodbye